Pandamonium!! (my chaotic life)

My life has been hell since roundabout grade 12.

I mean, my father got cancer when I was 14…it wasn’t as big a deal at that point, though, because I couldn’t feel.

I was taught not to. my family’s special.

if you don’t believe me, you can ask my sisters :P

Anyway, in grade 12, I realised I was living behind a wall. I realised I couldn’t feel, and I finally figured out why.

So I tore the thing down. I found a boyfriend I could trust (JP), who I thought could help me through these pesky emotion things I wasn’t used to…and I took it down. All at once.

A month or two later, my father was diagnosed with cancer again.

Now, this is traumatising anyway…and then you have to take into account that my mother tends to convert any negative emotion she experiences into anger.

In addition: I had a job; one of my best friends was in and out of the hospital because she kept on almost accidentally killing herself…almost did it in front of me, the first time; I was in the school musical; everyone was turning into cutters; no one seemed to be taking care of themselves; I discovered my personalities…

…maybe it doesn’t sounds so stressful, but it was.

being that it was grade 12, my marks suffered because I had SO many things to worry about.

So my parents told me I might as well just drop out. They got mad, yelled at me about it, and told me I might as well just quit.

That’s a big part of why I don’t talk to my mother anymore.

This is, of course, the year I started cutting.

once I discovered my personalities, I also discovered that Abby hated JP with a vile passion, and just because he was a boy.

Which was hard, since the rest of us loved him.

but yeah. that’s the backstory to my crazy.

I’m off my meds right now because I can’t deal with life, but life gives me work and work gives me money and money gives me meds.

I never realised how dismal my life was until I was on medication that made it better…

I’ve learned to live with it again…but life is so grey without them.

so useless.

I have a hard time dragging myself out of bed recently.

I’m worried about money. I keep fighting with Hugh Sung. I think I’m PMSing…

life isn’t sunshine and lolipops as it is…

I’m lucky I have Matt. Things seem better with him around. He’s here to look at me and tell me I’m pretty and hug me.

I feel bad needing him the way I do, though. I feel bad asking him to come home when I know I shouldn’t be alone…

I don’t know why, really. Theory is it’s because he’s so young.

he’s only a few months older than me, and I don’t think he can deal with me being how I am.

I could have easily killed myself a few days before I met him, WHILE on meds.

the world is harder now…but it was hard then, too.

monkey + meds != sane. it just means I’m not as likely to be crazy.

I get sad a lot right now.

it’s making me really sad that I’m always fighting with Hugh Sung. it’s mostly because Abby’s out so much, and his being smitten with us is considered a threat because we’re good at monogamy.

She’s lost a lot of respect for him. he isn’t taking this very well.

And she gets frustrated with him when he plays warcraft with us :P

we’re still not as bad as JP (Matt’s best friend) with Kristin (his girlfriend). That…gets me mad, actually.

I’m not that bad.

I know I’m being impatient…but it’d help if he would actually listen to me. You know, maybe read what I was saying. :P

now he’s not speaking to me. and I’m sick and tired of him running away, so I blocked him.

but it still makes me sad.

well…it makes Alicia sad. Abby isn’t too bothered :P

*sigh* I hate my life.

absent elements – finger eleven