Pandamonium!! (my chaotic life)

raj created a gmail account so we can talk while i’m at work without sending 50 emails back and forth (not even exaggerating)

it’s nice to be in contact with him during the day…yesterday we talked about learning languages and travelling.  i told him some particulars about chinese that he hadn’t known before and it made me feel smart  :)

i’d still like to learn chinese.  i’d like to find out i’m good at learning languages so i have other options–dont necessarily have to be stuck in administration for my entire life.

i’m good at it–damn good at it–but sometimes it’s mindless, and if it’s mindless i dwell on things to the point where i can’t even focus on work.

A few years ago, it was the futility of shay and i, and how he’d never want to marry me.  Now, it’s mostly my anger.

most of it’s to do with Hugh Sung–about half.  the rest….let’s see if i can break this up…

2/8 are matt’s.
1/8 each to shay and ziggy.

They get less because shay makes up for it sometimes, and i never speak to ziggy and haven’t for nearly a year.

i think i’d like to translate.  i think i’d like that.

i think it might be like the things i like to do.  i like to fiddle, to be precise…

i’m pretty obsessed with words and meanings most of the time…

these seem like qualities that would come in handy in languages…

i’m just hoping for something else.  websites are one thing, and i can’t seem to get into that effectively enough to make a job out of it.  sure, i’m good at filing and stuff, but it lets me think too much…

i’d like another option.  one that’s not journalism or something.

i used to be quite good at writing, but i don’t think i’d like to do that forever.

Raj asked me why i liked him a few days ago.  i rattled off about 20 reasons.

the one i left out, because i thought it might be taken the wrong way, is that he deserves it.

you know, having had boyfriends who haven’t deserved everything i’ve given them…i hope i know what to look for and what to avoid now.  or better, anyway.

now, though i’m not sure if i should trust myself to know the good from the bad  …i like to think he deserves what i’d given to those who didn’t.

by nature, i’m loving, supportive, selfless, and trusting.  that’s not boasting…it’s a fact of nature.

i let matt live with me free of charge.  i was very gracious with Hugh Sung, trusting him when he didn’t deserve it.  i’ve loved and supported through things that i wasn’t loved and supported through in turn.

i need to heal enough to be like that again…i don’t expect it’s impossible, but i do hope it’s not too hard.

he deserves it so much more than any of them did.

…and if he doesn’t, i bet my abby fragment will kick his ass  :P