heh. figures.

Hugh Sung (of www.hughsung.com) didn’t deserve my trust.

He lied to me about something i asked him specifically about.

He lied to me about something i asked him specifically to do…

and he lied to me about his sexual health.

These, if you care to know, were the amount of times he’s cheated on his wife (I’d asked him, he said there was only one before me when there were two that lasted a period of time, and over TWO HUNDRED (a different one every week or so) over seven years), that he hadn’t TOLD his wife when i asked him to (he told me he’d told her when he told me…8 months ago), and that he has herpes.

The last was the real kicker.  that’s something you don’t lie about.

the minute he told me, i told raj.  because i’m a decent person.

i’m not a coward.

I don’t think he told his wife all these new developments.  I don’t think she knows about the hundreds of women he’s slept with.  I don’t think he bothered to mention what he’d lied to me about.

I wash my hands of it.  There’s nothing i could do.  if she wants to be stupid and stay with him, that’s her prerogative.  She deserves much better than that, but i’m sure she wouldn’t listen to me if i tried to tell her any of this.  anything whatsoever…

I’m hurt and i’m appalled.  i thought he had more respect for me than all that.

guess i was no better than any of the others.

and i feel bad for raj for having to deal with all this.  he doesn’t deserve me crying over someone else, and i have been.

he doesn’t need to wonder if i would be this broken up about him.

he doesn’t deserve to wonder if he’s really as important as i try to make him feel.  he deserves to know he’s the only man in the world of any consequence.

after an entire weekend of dealing with me (and i’m not always easy to deal with at the best of times :P), he told me he loved me last night.

he didn’t a few days ago…thursday, probably.  i told him i thought i loved him–i’d been thinking it for a while, but i didn’t know if i should say it with everything that was going on with Hugh Sung.

i wasn’t sure if i was ready to let go of Hugh Sung and i.

that decision was made for me.  partially by Hugh Sung’s dishonesty, partially by my newly formed distrust of him, and partially by his wife’s bidding.

that’s fine.

I’m not fine about it yet, but i’m getting there.  it’s just…so unbelievable.

i’m not fine because i can’t believe he had that little respect for me.

i’m content to never talk to him again, however.

no wonder he was giving me so much.  guilty conscience.

i wish she would talk to me.  i wish i could send her chat logs and make sure she knew exactly what happened; everything he told me.  i wish i could point out that if he was being dishonest with me, while being MORE dishonest with her, there was no helping them.  i wish i could urge her to find an honest man, and i wish she’d listen if i did.

i know that won’t happen.

she loves him.  she doesn’t care to see that he’s still not telling her the whole truth.

i was right there with her.

i didn’t even think that he might be lying to me again.

heh, i feel like such an idiot.

and now, raj is recieving a lot of things he doesn’t deserve.  my last three relationships have given me a lot of insecurity…i wonder if he’ll stick around; i wonder if he’s lying to me, or using me for sex…

i wonder if he’s keeping things from me; not bothering to talk to me about issues he has with me…

i’m sure this situation with Hugh Sung hurts him.  i’m sure he wonders about it.

he doesn’t talk to me about it, because he figures it’s his insecurities and he shouldn’t project them onto me, and while i appreciate the sentiment, i wish he’d tell me them so i could tell him why he’s wrong.

he spent all weekend assuring me that he wasn’t going to leave.  i wish i could do that kind of thing for him, because hell, it made me feel better.

heh, i wouldn’t have blamed him after this weekend…

i got drunk on everclear…blacked out for a bit…and when i was coming down off it, apparently i was sobbing for four or five hours over the situation with Hugh Sung.

i’m a happy drunk…but i don’t do well when i get un-drunk naturally.  i need carbs or sleep in order to not be a wreck.

i let him in on that little secret, ‘cuz i’m sure it’ll come in handy  ;)

…

i’m not really angry anymore.  i’m not really sad, either.

i feel like i should be…

maybe i’m just in some amount of shock.

regardless, i’m glad i’m not talking to Hugh Sung.  i can’t trust myself with him.

i can’t trust myself not to trust him.

~ by Monkey on July 3, 2007.