i wish there were more hours in the day.

i think of all the things i could get done if only there were a few more hours to do them in.

i work until 5 or 6 today…i’ll go home, play some warcraft with raj, he’ll go to karazhan (an area in-game), i’ll probably do some website creation in that time…

but if there were a few more hours, i could deffinitely get the latter done, maybe level my priest a little more (takes about 12 hours per level this end…she hit 51 last night), bake some bread, do some dishes, some laundry (which is getting kind of important by now…)

i wish i didn’t like sleeping so darn much  :P  i know if i tried to reduce my sleep, i’d be unhappy with it.  i’d always want to sleep just a few minutes more; just a half an hour more…i do as it is  :P

i wish i could come and go from work as i please–get my work done and leave, and be paid the same ammount.  i work pretty darn fast.  i don’t move fast, but i type fast.

i wish i had a job i could do from home if i wanted to.  but then…i might not get out of the house  :P

you know, if i could learn enough to make comprehensive websites, i could probably work quite a bit less than i do and maintain the same lifestyle.

i’ve been eating a bit healthier recently.  i’d like to start making my own bread, since it’s no bother really.

raj and i continue to talk about moving somewhere together.  i look forward to that…and a lot of that anticipation is for his sake.  i know splitting rent would ease things (for us both) financially, and i’d like to see him reduce or eliminate his debt and go back to school.  that’s not the only reason, but it’s a big one  :)

i also look forward to the time we’d spend together, even doing normal things separately…playing video games or doing chores or watching tv, and simply being near one another meanwhile, seems like such a nice thing.  not having to travel a half hour or so to see one another via unreliable transit.

i look forward to making him cute little lunches to take to work.  ^_^

i’m kind of…girly that way?  i dunno…it might seem stereotypical or something, but fact is i could be a hell of a homemaker if it were desired of me, and i don’t think i’d mind too much.  as long as any kids weren’t terrible little heathens.

i wonder if he knows (or even guesses) that i wouldn’t mind having children with him…when we first started dating, i told him, in no uncertain terms, that i didn’t want children.  but at the time, i was trying to scare him off, and i honestly had no thought to the possibility of children with him.  i figured he’d just be another short relationship.  at this point, however, i recognise it as a possibility–i’ve tried to push him…we’ve had plenty of fights…

i can’t see things going anywhere but up, and he hasn’t left me yet.

maybe he doesn’t want children…if so, i’d be a useful excuse.  i’m sure his family would be aghast at a decision like that.

but it’s more likely that he wants kids.

i wondered to myself how i would view this relationship if it ended…what i would remember…

from shay, i remember vaguely his jokes and games, and vividly the sting of his love for rachael.  from matt, vaguely him telling me i’m pretty, and vividly his inconsideration of my feelings.

i couldn’t think of the blinding pain that i would take from a dissolved relationship with raj…in any form, in fact.  he’s not selfish, stingy, or deceptive, he values me immensely…

the greatest pain in such a situation would probably be knowing that i had somehow thrown out something immensely precious to me.  perhaps i hadn’t tried hard enough?  perhaps i was just a fuck up, as such would intimate.

i’m glad i don’t see that happening.

we’re coming up on month four pretty fast now, longer than the bulk of his relationships.

at the end of the day, i make him feel special, as he does me.  he makes little gestures…there are a lot of things that his other girlfriends expected of him, and i don’t, that he still does for me–knowing full well that i wouldn’t ask it of him.

i know i’m not second best to him, compared to anyone. i know he rates me higher than the best of his exes.  he tells me i’m pretty; insists upon it even if i’m not receptive.

he thinks i’m smart, which is nice too  :)  i know i’m not stupid…but it’s still nice that someone as intelligent as him considers me a peer.

he is really smart.  far smarter than shay was, and i maintain that shay just didn’t apply himself (at ALL, but that’s a different story…).

raj could apply himself more, i think, but has no need to.

besides, he beats himself up for near perfection.  apparently he considers it unacceptable to get anything wrong.

i have a feeling that might be a challenge when he returns to school…but i’m up to it.

i have many interesting feelings, it seems.  all very genuine…i felt once like me and every thought in my head were in a desert, being turned to sand and blowing away, for instance.

last night, it felt like i was in my mother’s house, two years ago.

that worried me, since i would NOT like to relive those two years.

especially since the first thing i would want to do would be break up with shay, and that wouldn’t allow me to move out of my mother’s house, nor would it afford me all the experiences i’ve had, which have been useful.

and i like where raj and i are.  i like that we’ve done some growing together.

i like that we’re far from where we started.

and if i were less jaded, we wouldn’t be on par with one another.  that’s an important part of our relationship, to me…we’re both in something like the same place.  he’s more jaded, has more experiences that contributed to that, but i’ve got a tumultuous few years under my belt, and that helps me to be understanding and patient.  that’s quite important to me.

i don’t think i’d trade that.

i don’t think i’d avoid my bad experiences, because they’re important in letting me appreciate when things are wonderful–when someone is wonderful.

Raj is wonderful.

i’m not sure i would see that without shay and matt.

though if i could change anything about my past…i wouldn’t take matt’s cat in.

i wouldn’t even offer, knowing what i do now.

i’m glad i wasn’t given the opportunity to settle. 

‘cuz i would have.

three times, in fact.

i’m glad shay broke my heart.  i’m glad matt was a jerk.

i’m not glad that i couldn’t just get over the pain they put me through…that i take it out on raj sometimes, and he’s the last person to deserve it…but i’m glad because i wouldn’t know otherwise.