Pandamonium!! (my chaotic life)
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christmas on this end was quiet, and that was nice :)
i don’t really like christmas much anyway. i like turkey, and i like boxing day, but christmas itself is…annoying.
very, in fact.
i think i’ve broken my family’s holidays by not attending for three years…i haven’t been invited to anything this year, not because they don’t want me around, or because they have accepted that i’m not going to talk to my mother any time soon…but because my sister(s?) went to (t)he(i)r inlaws or whatnot (the silly parentheses are because i know jess spent thanksgiving with her inlaws, and christmas in mexico, but i don’t know what melissa did.)
makes me a little sad that i seemed to have broken family get-togethers…if ever i do wish to attend, i won’t have the option.
there was one christmas hosted by melissa–her inlaws came, but my mom and dad didn’t because dad was too sick. it was, actually, the best christmas i could have imagined.
i’m far more comfortable without my mother around. dad would have been a welcome addition, but without mom there, i felt a lot more free, a lot more calm.
we stayed up late playing board games, and then my sisters and i went boxing day shopping at an outlet mall while their husbands took the kids swimming.
but yeah, this christmas wasn’t bad. i got kicked out of work early on friday, did my christmas shopping (not that it matters much, i won’t see most of the recipients any time terribly soon) whilst hanging out with mel, then brent and i watched The Golden Compass with chaz. XD
raj was in banff with his sister and some cousins to celebrate neelam’s birthday, so i didn’t see him until wednesday. it was nice to laze around in pyjamas for two days straight, though–and that was my saturday and sunday XD
monday night, brent and i hung out. i wanted sushi; he wanted warm food. i always want sushi, so we looked around for warm food, but EVERYWHERE was closed…except for a sushi restaurant. I said, “It’s a sign!” and he laughed.
so, we had sushi. and it was SO GOOD OMG!
tuesday, i was invited by brent’s mom to have christmas dinner with them, which was nice. ‘cept with me there, brent talked like a sailor and it annoyed his mother, lol. but she’s great.
wednesday, i got up at 7 and hit the mall by 8:30. finished my boxing day shopping in record time–an hour and a half!! After taking my loot home, i met up with raj and we hung out for 4 or 5 hours–and i saw golden compass again :D
he liked it, too. he was really stumped for what to get me (he was planning on a scarf, one that i’d really liked, but i’ve gotten a lot of scarves this year…they’re already excessive) so i asked him to get me the series that the movie was based on, and he said he’ll have to read them too :D
i bought him shoes, and he really liked them ^_^ and as a bonus, didn’t expect them in the least!!
but yes, that’s my perfunctory boring holiday post. i appologise.
yes, another survey.
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End of the year survey
WITH 2007 COMING TO AN END. . .
1. Have you had any relationships this year?
lol, three.
2. Have you had your birthday yet?
yup
3. Kissed two people in the same night?
no, i’m not THAT big a slut.
4. Been on a diet?
um…trying to change my eating lifestyle. and failing. but at least i’m more informed!
5. Pull an all nighter?
yes, and i felt far less tired!
6. Drank Starbucks?
YES
7. Went camping?
no, but since i’m still with raj, i’m sure that’ll change next year
8. Bought something(s)?
…how can anyone go a year without buying anything? unless they’re two?
9. Met someone special/who changed your life?
oooh yes. changes galore. better and worse types both.
10. Been out of province?
nope, not THIS year.
11. What are you thinking about?
well, considering the last question, travel :P THANKS.
13. Slept in someone else’s bed?
just one.
14. Got a job?
yup, got a few jobs actually.
15. Loaned out money?
well, is it a loan if someone tells you they’ll pay you back, but you never expected it, and it didn’t happen anyway?
16. Gotten in a car accident?
nope.
17. Gone over your mobile phone bill?
yes
18. Been called a bitch?
YES! By matt! LOL!!
19. Done something you regret?
Hugh Sung
Last person you hugged?
Raj
Last person to call you?
The agency, but i was away from my phone. Brent before that, whose call i also missed.
When was the last time you felt stupid?
oh, i often feel stupid!
What was the last thing you yelled?
can’t recall…i like being quiet.
TEN FACTS:
1. Living?
Calgary
2. Natural Hair Colour?
brown
3. Initials?
AHMN
4. Hair style?
straight, lazy.
5. Eye colour?
blue
6. Height?
5′6″
7. Pets?
Gizmo
8. Mood?
tired? is that a mood? otherwise, content, actually :)
9. Where would you rather be?
with raj.
10. What was the last thing you drank?
beer. but only a third of it.
THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE:
1. Have you ever been in love?
yes. too many times, lol.
2. Do you believe in love?
well, god, i ought to by now!
3. Why did your LAST relationship fail?
Matt can’t talk.
4. Have you ever been heartbroken?
ooooh yes.
5. Have you ever broken someone’s heart?
maybe jp’s.
6. Have you ever fallen for you best friend?
crush, yes. but ziggy’s not the kind of person you love.
7. Have you ever loved someone but never told them?
haha, no.
8. Are you afraid of commitment?
i am, in fact, afraid of lack of commitment.
9. Have you had more than 5 different serious relationships in your life?
how do you define serious? any way ya do, though, the answer’s no.
EMOTIONS:
1. Are you missing someone right now?
not really, i saw him today :)
2. Are you happy?
yeah, i’d say i probably am atm.
MANTRA:
i’m working with a lot of different ones. trying to make “pathways” in my brain to change my thinking :P
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brent and i went to see The Golden Compass last week.
OH
MY
GOD
it’s, like, the best movie ever. made better by our making jokes about james bond, because the main character’s uncle is played by Daniel Craig.
the role was completely different. guy’s a good actor.
…but it was still hillarious to pretend he was james bond ^_^
and i went on a bit of an iTunes binge. i now own some of the songs i was listening to last year through Pandora. <3
Color Theory, Breaking Benjamin, and Christine Fellows to be specific.
And i’ve decided to call my computer Tripoli. It just came to me…no real reason. it’s just his name.
i still have to get my christmas shopping done…i have three people done. lol.
on monday, raj and i talked about what’s being done and what needs doing between us…and it’s working so far. i hardly dare to hope that it’ll keep working.
grr.
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i want to tear my hair out.
i don’t deal well with not knowing where i stand.
but at least i’m not crying!
…and i don’t give a shit what you think, lillian.
this is where the world drops off…
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well, after three days of emotional breakdown…i’m ok.
i’m scared to say it, because i don’t want to go through this kind of thing again, but i’m ok right now.
don’t know if i’ll be tonight…and i’m not sure why i am now…but i am.
might have been the cutting finally kicking in…last i did it was saturday night before i went to bed.
this doesn’t feel like zombie, though. it feels more like letting go…and i’m not 100% sure whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing.
like…really don’t know.
i’d rather stick around and try. i think there’s things that haven’t been done that could be, and i’d like to explore that.
i’m sick of looking–i’d rather just stick with the good person than try to find another one. because i hadn’t found one before raj.
not the only reason, of course. but that’s the big, all-encompassing reason that traverses all others.
i can’t imagine how two good people can’t find a way to be good for one another…i mean, at the moment, we’re not…but it seems ludicrous to think that we wouldn’t be able to find a way.
i am still in dire anticipation of knowing what the FUCK is going on tonight, though. if he asks me for two more days, i might explode.
In other news, costco brand espresso coffee is excellent. i don’t have a proper machine for it…i just put it through the coffee maker. because it’s win. XD
there’s christmas music playing in the office, but thankfully, it’s low enough that it doesn’t take deafening music to drown it out.
i handled it all last week–i can’t do it this week. :P
i used to keep my headphones in to drown everyone else out, but the people on this side aren’t as annoying, so i like to listen to them. lol.
mel says she partially re-split–on purpose, because being whole is hard. i don’t know how normal people do it. or maybe it’s like living in a warm climate and then moving somewhere cold. you think you’re going to freeze to death while everyone’s still in their fall jackets.
i didn’t climatize very well last time, though. i don’t know how this time will go.
i’ve been thinking of trying to split myself again. things were easier when wrath existed to hold my hate for myself.
things were easier when alicia was gentle and abby was aggressive.
when monkey was funny and helen serious.
when someone could curl up and cry while the rest of us carried on with life.
but i feel like, if i split again, it’s the end of any relationship i can imagine having beyond friendship. dealing with a multiple friend is fine–i’ve done it. but who would want a wife who was?
girlfriend, i can see being ok. less commitment–if i get too crazy, they can just break up with me. but to stick around for decades? perhaps have children? who would want to do that?
so, for now, that keeps me from splitting.
…and i dyed my hair. black. it was either black or red, and i wasn’t in a very “red” mood.
weapon – matthew good
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i can’t deal with this
i couldn’t deal with this in the first place, and now he’s asked for two more days
and i’m going nuts
i’ve cut already, and it hasn’t helped me stop sobbing.
i just can’t handle this…
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the boss talked to me this morning at work. i was concerned, but i had no need to be. he was sympathetic to my having been feeling crappy recently (they’re re-tarring the roof, and i’m a canary, and i think i’ve been fighting off a bug for three weeks now–that combined with immense stress made me incapable of coming in three days in the past two weeks. i’m glad office jobs are more forgiving than customer service jobs o.O) and just wanted to figure things out with me.
he also understands that my workload is too much–he didn’t realise i’d been working five days a week, he thought it was 2, so he asked me some questions about the nature of my work, how much i was trained, stuff like that, and has a plan for bringing people in to help. and as for this week, he’s asked one of the professional sales people (who’s moving over to display (which is who i’m working with) in the new year) to help me out with data entry.
he says there’ll be a position open within the company for me in a week or two–didn’t realise i was a temp, lol. he said it’d be a full time thing with salary and benefits, and that’d be useful. i need glasses, and maybe drugs.
and one of my co-workers (the assistant to my boss, actually) was talking about visiting a naturopath using her health benefits, so that’d be nice too.
i think, in this situation, it might be good to put school off for a while more. though it’ll be nice having a key, and being able to lock up perhaps, too.
this is what i need at the moment, if only for the benefits and the regular income.
in other news, raj and i had a huge fight. we need to figure out how to co-exist without doing things that are detrimental to one another’s mental health (or our own, which is more the case lately). i’m not sure it’s possible, and i told him he should leave if i’m not good for him.
i don’t know why he hasn’t already…
so he’s asked to be left alone for a few days to think about things, and i’m giving him that.
so i hope he doesn’t read this…and if he does, it doesn’t count! :P (i’m not blogging about this so you’ll read it, i’m blogging about it because i’m trying to get away from censoring myself.)
there’s a few things floating around that i’m extremely unhappy about…so if we stay together, or perhaps regardless of the outcome, i’m going to have to talk to him about them.
we misconstrue almost everything the other says, and i accept that of him, but he doesn’t seem to accept it of me…
and he doesn’t believe me regarding a lot of things. which i can’t stand, since i try to believe him. when he says something it’s hard for me to believe, i say “ok,” and i try to anyway. when i say something he doesn’t believe, he argues with me.
we don’t understand one another.
so we either need to figure out how to, or give up.
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i keep feeling like i ask too much of people.
but really, i don’t.
i just tell myself that to lessen the sting. if i never deserved it in the first place, it hurts less that i don’t get it.
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